Wednesday, September 24, 2003 @ 04:41pm | Entry no.344 | Days off suck... ||   mood    bored   || ||   music    Lil Suzy, The way I love you.   || ... when you haven't got anyone to spend them with... Today's my day off... and of course, I have no idea as to what to do with myself. Left to my own devices, I find that I'm pretty horrible at keeping myself entertained for long periods at a time. I've been trying to fill up my time with laundry, but as expected, that lost its novelty rather quickly. I tried watching movies, but, I couldn't find any single movie that I wanted to sit through, even though most of these movies have gotten rave reviews. I tried reading, and even that couldn't capitivate my attention. I find myself restless and wishing I were around people. But, on a good note, the baby's getting more and more cute everyday, even though half the time he's a whiny brat. He's getting attached to me. And he actually likes it when I carry him. ((smiles)) I want one. I got to thinking... is it wrong to keep an engagement ring, even if you're no longer engaged? Dee and I were shopping around, when we bumped into Natasha at the jewelry counter. Dee bought a wedding band. Strange, but she saw that I wore a silver band around my thumb and wanted one for herself. So she bought one. But the whole situation, that got me questioning the whole whether or not it's okay to keep the ring. Alright, if the guy dumps the girl, then by right, she gets to keep it, but what if the girl gets rid of the guy? Is she allowed to keep the ring then? What if the relationship was put on hold, and they aren't technically "over", just waiting for the girl to mature and realize that she wants to be with him? Should the guy hold onto the ring til then? Or is she allowed to hold onto it? I never thought I'd like a teardrop shaped diamond, but surprisngly, now I think it's beautiful. I was searching for the perfect ring, and I couldn't find anything to compare to the one I already had. Well, one did, but it was around 3,000 dollars, and that's just too much for me to spend for a ring for myself. I indulge myself, but not that much. So, anyways, it is wrong? Should I just give it back? What if I have no plans on ever being with him again? Am I obligated to give it back? I seem like a real gold-digger, don't I? Anywhoozle, I was wearing my knitted overjacket the other day, and just on a whim, I smelled it. Surprisingly, "his" scent still lingered slightly. I haven't worn it since I last saw him. I thought it'd bring back memories. It didn't. They're starting to fade. He's starting to fade. I can no longer recall minute details, and everything's hazy. I fall entrirely too hard for guys. But, I don't deny that I felt love for the guy, but if it was this easy to forget him, even parts of him, I don't think it was true love yet. And I'm scared. If all the heartache I went though, it wasn't because I was truly in love with him, then I don't know how I'll react when I go though real love. Anyways, it's Wednesday. Then tomorrow's Thursday. And after that, Friday. Friday's when I'm coming home. For more than a day this time. For the weekend. Of course, I'll have to be up by 5:30 Monday morning, so that I'll be able to get to work by 10 something, but it's a small price to pay. So far, I'm definitely hanging out with Moni and Dolly and Billy, I think. I have no idea what Friday holds. I have to be somewhere Saturday morning, but after that, I'm free and all of Sunday too. Maybe sometime during then, I can get my tattoo, but... most of my funds aren't exactly available to me at the moment. I'm just praying that I make the most of my time. Ah, I just found out that since I've been here, I've dropped about ten pounds. Not bad, since when I first got here, I've completely gorging myself on junk food. Now if only I can keep on this trend, I can drop all the weight I've been lugging around for the past two years and regain my previous figure. Oh goodness, I sound as though I was pregnant. I miss being.. well, not thin, because I wasn't ever thin, but thinner at least. Maybe then, I can regain some confidence that's been lost. I realize that maybe, it's not the best thing to think, "If only I were thinner, prettier, smarter..." for anything, but I'm desperate, and grasping at straws. I was talking to Dawn, and she revealed that someone who I've been completely and utterly fanscinated with, his age is something less savory than I thought. He's 41. He's older than my mummy dearest! Disgusting, but yet, I can't help but be drawn by his cold exterior. I know there's a fire-hot river running in his veins, if only someone could break through it. She probably has a better chance though, seeing as she's 35, and I'm just a mere child to him. Damn. Alright, I've got reading to do. <33 toodles. unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )