Wednesday, September 03, 2003 @ 12:34am | Entry no.299 | "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts..." ||   mood    blah   || ||   music    dialogue from the recruit   || ( long and pointless survey ) Well, that was long and pointless survey. At least that killed some time. My day off is tomorrow, and we're debating on whether or not to go to Six Flags. I'm being lazy. All I want to do is lay around the house, and not do anything. Hmph. I just got some disturbing news about one of my precious lovelies. Silly boys are doing things out of character, and I'm not to happy with it. Still getting hurt by the fact that there are other girls in the picture. There are always other girls in the picture. Damnit. Now I'm all cranky. I hate guys. I hate guys who think they can talk to me all normal like I'm just another one of the guys. ((grumbles)) I'm not like one of the guys damnit. I'm a girl! Treat me nice, and give me pretty toys to play with! Hug me and kiss me and tell me I'm pretty. Argh. Hating guys. Hate them all. In one of those man-hating moods again. Need to kill em all, and then sort out the bodies afterwards. Actually afterwards, I wouldn't mind playing with their innards for a little bit, squishing their insides through my fingers, making mush ooze out of my hands. Paint their pretty faces with their own blood. Make them beg for mercy before I kill them, only so that I can see the light fade from their eyes. I've got some issues. Keep me away from pointy weapons and cute guys. Who knows what I'll do to them. I already know I would have no remorse when it comes to hurting someone, leave me alone with someone pretty and I'll make them pretty in my own way. God, it's times like these I need to be with Patrick. That evil bastard knows. Goodness, that just give me the tingles just thinking about it. Ah, my mood was brought up. Silly Chadwick, what a character. I love teasing him, but it's still hard to talk to him sometimes, because I definitely do [heart] him above all my lovelies, and I can't have him. He didn't like it too much, when I told him that I kept changing my feelings for him. He wasn't too happy with that. Told me tell him whenever my feelings stopped changing and I liked him all the time. Kind of hard when I don't get to see him as often as I'd like. Maybe when I get home I'll go and see him. I was talking to mummy dearest. I might be able to stay until Wednesday, because that's my off day anyways, and since I won't get back to Jersey til late afternoon, there's no point in me coming back then to only work an hour and then have a day off. We'll see. Anyways. <33 toodles. unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )

Wednesday, September 03, 2003 @ 02:17am | Entry no.300 | "I think I love you..." ||   mood    wistful   || ||   music    trainspotting   || So what am I so afraid of? I'm afraid that I'm not sure of A love there is no cure for. Pretty Chadwick! Pretty boy! I [heart] him. Now if only I can get all those girls greasy paws off of him. Damnit, we've made tentative plans to go and hang out, when I get back home. And as usual, I'm getting my hopes up. I hate this. Every single time we make plans, it alway fall through, and I wind up all crushed. I like him. A lot. If I actually let myself, I could fall for him in a second, but I already know the dangers of falling for your best friend. It just never a good thing. There's too much to lose. I just have to avoid those feelings like the plague. Even more so than Mike, I need to stay away from him, because with him. I stand to lose someone who I geniunely love. The loss is just that much more painful. Bah. Getting ahead of myself, but I do get so hurt from him, and I care about him so much. Argh, just friends, Nan!! Just friends. I miss him sooo much though, goshdarnit! I want to just hug him again, and molest the hell out of him. Touch him in his no-no spots. And make him laugh, and see him smile. I sound lovesick. Ugh. Hmph. I know it's never a smart thing to do to talk about him. I get all sad and depressed, and I want to go call him and talk to him some more. I'm going to go watch Trainspotting now, and continue my conversation with my sweetheart. <33 toodles unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )

Wednesday, September 03, 2003 @ 03:41am | Entry no.301 | ARGH and BLAH and MOTHERFXCKER ||   mood    pissed off   || ||   music    ringing of IMs   || La-la-la. Wistful thinking. Lots of wishes. Missing people like crazy, but that's still not going to help what's coming up...Going off on a rant now... You, you, you. It's always about you. It's your problems, your unhappiness that needs to be dealt with, your complicity, your work, your family issue. You! You! YOU! Damnit. Shut up and stop whining already! Realize that there is a world outside your unhappiness. Realize that your problems are superficial. Realize that I just might not give a damn about you. Your overanalyzed regurgiated babble is trite and jaded, and it makes it quite apparent to the world, that you have no true dilemmas in your life, aside from the fact that you lack a life and feel a need to create a fantasy world. We all know it's just a ploy to try and make us pity you. It's cheap, and it's very demeaning to yourself. Just stop. It's embarrassing. You pour your pain out to the rest of the world, thinking the rest of the world gives a rat's ass when you complain about your new imaginary problem. Well, you know what? Shut up. You were right when you said no one cares. No one does. You're among the worst scum of the Earth, you use people, and spit them out, and later on, come at them with a smile on your face, and a song in your heart, expecting people to just welcome you back with open arms. Well, you know what? To hell with you. You deserve every moment of unhappiness that's inflicted on you because it's only properly, since you saw fit to inflict so much pain in the past. Karma. Ain't that a bitch. Rant, rant, rant. Bitch, bitch, bitch. Screw you guys, I'm going to bed. <33 toodles ( 1 ) deep dark secret revealed  unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )

Wednesday, September 03, 2003 @ 04:16am | Entry no.303 | damnit. I'm still awake at 4:15 am ||   mood    SLEEPY   || ||   music    none   || Toying with emotions is bad. It's very very bad. Telling little falsehoods, to give off the illusion that something that once was there still remains there. All of this manipulation and games, just to give myself a bit of an amusement. Ha. I am a bad person to know. Sorry! But yeah, there are only two people who I geniunely feel any true affection for at the moment. One being Mike, and dearest Chadwick. Wait, wait. Derek too, my lovely soul. I [heart] you, and think of you often. So, yeah, any other guys, you're just being toyed with. Not that they mind. Play with them a little and then cast them aside til the next time they strike your fancy. Oops. Oh darn. I've turned into a guy. I have their mentality now. Bah! Exhausted <33 toodles unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )