Sunday, August 31, 2003 @ 06:13pm | Entry no.295 | "is there anyway I can stay in your arms?" ||   mood    weird   || ||   music    punk covers   || I just heard the lyrics to the Daniel Bedingfield song. It made me think... why is it that the nighttime always makes me feel better? Just lying in the dark, in the arms of someone... that just feels so right. It's calming. It's like the quote that I have on the side of my journal. I just [heart] the boys. Guys always seem to brighten up my mood. Pretty boys with strong arms, who give hugs and smile at you in that way that makes you feel as though you're the only girl in the world at the moment. Oh course, I'm not so silly that I actually believe that, but just sometimes at night, it's fun to believe that everything's going to be fine. "Miss Vague." I got called that today. And it kind of suits me in a way. Whenever confronted about things, I do tend to shy away from the question, and do my best to avoid answering it. When I do answer it, it's so vague, it leaves you wondering if I've answered the question at all. I'm good at that. Just avoid the hell out of an issue til it goes away. Yeah, it might drive the people in my life crazy, but I don't like hurting people, and I'd rather let them think whatever they like to think rather than know the truth. I admit, I am manipulative. I do use people. I tell them what they want to hear, but that's because I like to see them happy. I don't like it when people are unhappy. How bad of a person am I? Pretty bad. Oh well. Something's been bothering me, people keep calling me things I'm not. Sweet, beautiful, pretty, smart. Britton and Carl used to say that about me and well, I never believe them. How could anyone ever see any good in me? Mike, he calls me sweet. How? How am I sweet? I'm just being myself, and saying things that I actually mean. I'm actally straightfoward with him, and cut a lot of the BS out. Actually, Mike's one of very few people I actually feel comfortable enough to tell him anything. Even with my dearest Chadwick, I feel myself drifting farther and farther away from him. Looks as though, perhaps we've missed our chance. Our boat has finally set sail. Oh well, I'll still like him from time to time. There's an incredibly strong sexual and mental attraction to him, even though he's not even my type really. There's just this aura around him that's so sexy. Ah, oh well. I need to shush about Chadwick, the more I talk about him, the more and more I miss him and get all sad. Mister Chadwick... I wonder if our paths'll cross once more in the future. But anyways, back to the subject at hand... silly people. Why are you saying all these nice things about me. What are they seeing in me? I just wish I had the chance to see half of what they see, because from my viewpoint, Nancy = ((thumbs down)). I need something right now. I need to be happy. I need to be content with life. I need to not think so much, and I need to just feel safe with someone. I know, it's never good to think you need someone to be happy. I know I don't need someone to be happy, but it'd be nice to know that I had someone who cared about me while I was over here for all this time. Someone who I cared about who cared about me back. Damnit, what I need is to just shut up and try and make some effort to be happy. Dee's friend, Huy is over. I have a feeling she'll wind up cheating on Loi, because he's obviously putting the move on her. The stupid girl, she doesn't know how to take herself out of a bad situation. I think she wants to cheat on him or something. I have no say in things, but yeah, her boyfriend loves her, and he's waiting for her. Why should she do something to hurt him so? Damnit, this situation sounds familiar too. ((grumbles)) I wish I could say I never cheated, maybe that's why Chadwick doesn't see me the same way anymore, because to him, I was the example of what a perfect girl would be for him, and once I told him what happened, he got snippy and took little jabs at me. boo. Either way. I've got some shopping to do. <33 toodles ( 1 ) deep dark secret revealed  unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )

Sunday, August 31, 2003 @ 07:55pm | Entry no.296 | just a warning, I'm not going to make much sense for a while in this post. ||   mood    contemplative   || ||   music    "what it is to burn" _ finch   || Pretty toys. I want pretty toys. And no, I don't mean, those kind of toys. Stuffed animals and the like. I'm weird. I wound up getting myself a fluffy little piggy today. I like piggies, so I got myself a little piggie. It amuses me. I still need to name it. Mike perhaps? Does this little piggie remind me of him? He's soft and cute, hm, okay, the piggie's name is Mike. I name things after the guys in my life. And I made them kiss my stuffed animals too, so that means I'm dragging my little piggie out one night, and Mike's going to smooch it. Ha, Mattie's given me the most toys out of everyone, so he smooched pretty much all of my toys. He gave me a teddy bear dressed in leather. Thank you, precious. You know my tastes exactly. Kinky and fluffy. Elliot's kissed my toys too. I think he might have slipped them the tongue. I miss him. I miss my little midget a lot. I miss kissing him too. I liked kissing Elliot. Too bad we had to get into that weird little love triangle, although he must have loved it, since he had Jade, Jules and I, hooking up with him over Christmas break. Mattie didn't like me hooking up with Elliot that much. He saw it and wouldn't kiss me afterwards, but made me sleep next to him and keep my arms wrapped around him all night.I didn't understand why he wouldn't kiss me though; probably thought I had Elliot cooties or something, but he didn't mind taking Jules back after he got done with her. Silly boy. Oh! He and Elliot were molesting me both at the same time that one night at my house. That was fun. Hands were everywhere. Porn was playing on the telly. Kristina sat staring at the three of us, because both boys at the time were focusing on me. Molesting me to be exact. Mattie's hands were sliding up my legs, and Elliot's were... I don't remember where his hands where exactly. I found that rather amusing. Highly arousing too. Both guys who I've wanted for ages... leaves me wondering if anything would have happened if Kristina wasn't there. That would have made our friendship really close. Poor Kristina, two guys and two girls, and I got both guys. Sorry! She was still a bit peeved at the fact that I managed to steal Brian from her and three other girls. Ha, I did it at her birthday party. Teehee. I stole him away in the middle of the party, and got him all to myself. me:: ::coughcough:: I'm allergic to cats. I can't breathe, I've got to step outside for a minute. ((Brian jumps up)) Brian:: do you need company? me: ((innocently)) only if you want to ((the both of us duck out of the party for a few hours, where I managed to weave my little web around him and catch him)) Ah, good times. How cute, Mike said this painting reminds him of me. I think it's kind of cute. The more I look at it, the more I like it. And I'm not one to usually like art. I mean, love drawing things, but I absolutely hate analyzing every little detail of things, reminds me of friggin class. But I think this painting's nice though. ((sighs)) I need to stop thinking about him so much, and I will, just as soon as I can get a hold of a certain someone. Damnit, speaking of which, I haven't been able to talk to Patrick for ages. He told me he was changing SNs, but didn't know what it was going to be just yet, and was just going to IM me when he found out. That was over two weeks ago! I miss talking to him! I want our damned water ice date before summer's completely over. Let's see, darn it. I need to get a hold of Kurt. I miss him. Argh. Great, this is my quasi-off day, and this is how I'm spending it. Lying on my bed, with the aptly named laptop on my lap, typing out this entry, listening to music, and reminiscing about the good old days when I actually completely satisfied with good ole wholesome fun. What a little innocent I was. What a little innocent I still am. Yes, probably a few of you are laughing at that right now, but I am. Despite my curious nature and penchant for all things painful and kinky, I'm still quite the innocent. Still painfully shy and embarrassed about everything pertaining to guys. I suppose I'll grow out of it one day. I'm really shutting up now and posting this, because heck, I've got more online shopping to do. Money and me... well, we're soon parted because I always find things to buy, like books, music, movies and TOYS!!!! <33 toodles unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )